Location: St. Vincent & Grenadines

You were driving home in the dark on one glass-slippered heel, window sliced open and bathing in the snowliquor of the night air. We heard you singing, and couldn't bear to wake you.

07 May 2005

Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife!

A few weeks ago I got an urgent e-mail from one Mr. Cole Smith, an auditor of a reputable bank in Johannesburg, Gauteng Province in the Republic of South Africa. He had a very confidential business proposition for me regarding a foreign client named Mr. Chung Timothy, who deposited a huge sum of money (18.6 Million United States Dollars) with his bank. Eventually, this client died in a plane crash, and since his death . . . well, you get the picture.

I replied to Mr. Smith immediately, letting him know that I had received his message and was very interested in his proposition. I assured him that l would observe complete confidentiality throughout the transaction, and eagerly awaited further instructions. I signed my reply: "Sincerely, Frank Lee Skeptical".

Got a response later that day.

Dear Frank,
This is to acknowledge receipt of your response to my
proposal. I and my partners are happy with it and assure
you that it will only take your full co-operation to assure
the success of this transaction.
Herewith is my direct phone number +27-83-508-8746 for
faster and easier communication and I anticipate you send
yours too, as soon as I receive this I will send the
bio-data for you to fax to the bank for the transaction
proper to start.

I wrote back:

Dear Cole,

I'm afraid I don't know the international prefix. I am located in the United States in Pacific Standard Time (PST) at [insert phony digits here]. I anxiously await your next communique.

You have utilized two terms which have aroused my further curiosity.

1. "full co-operation"
Exactly how full must this co-operation be? I realize that differences of perspective may affect the ensuing description of said co-operation. For example, some may say that my co-operation may potentially be half-full, while others may perceive it to be half-empty. Both assessments would technically be accurate, however it is important to my continued involvement in this venture that I ascertain the nature of your particular perspective. In fine, Mr. Smith: are you prepared to do business with a "half-empty" co-operative partner, or are you resolved to proceed only with one who demonstrates commitment to the "half-full" co-operative paradigm? If in fact you are a "completely-full" sort of fellow, it is important that I ascertain this detail at the outset, as it will influence all further communications between us.

2. "bio-data"
I must admit, Cole, that the prospect of obtaining bio-data on you and your venture has me in a bit of a lather. A good lather, I assure you; one which contains nothing but the finest organic emollients, and which I hope will leave both of us feeling both cleansed and tremendously wealthy. Owing to my educational background in the Ivy League, I am aware that the Latinate root prefix "bio" denotes "life", which indicates to me that the data forthcoming will be of a personal and, dare I say it, somewhat intimate nature. Naturally, my interest in such matters extends only to the extent to which our futher business-related transactions may prove relevant. I would never consider intruding upon your personal affairs. Nevertheless, if you could provide me with the following particulars, I would consider the prospect which you outline much more feasible. Namely: your height, weight, eye color, history of medications (if any), preference in regard to undergarments, and favorite souffle ingredients.

Given your prompt reply to the preceding inquiries, I am prepared to provide you with my social security number, business address, credit card account number, business bank account routing and serial number, and signature on any and all documents which you may find appropriate to fax to a number which will be provided in our next exchange.

I anxiously await your reply. Please do not delay.

Sincerely yours,

Frank Lee Skeptical

Haven't heard anything from Cole since then. I'm starting to get worried. Do you think he's OK?


Anonymous Reverend H.L. Spork said...

Darlin', you really need a better hobby. Have you considered becoming a Stitch'n' Bitch?

12:22 AM  

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