Location: St. Vincent & Grenadines

You were driving home in the dark on one glass-slippered heel, window sliced open and bathing in the snowliquor of the night air. We heard you singing, and couldn't bear to wake you.

27 May 2005

We're jammin' in the name of the fruit.

Our local Safeway used to carry an Ocean Spray beverage called "Cravin' Less Sugar", which, although it tasted pretty damn good, I couldn't help mockin' because of its awkward name. (Pseudofolksy G-eschewage aside, how can you crave less of somethin'? You might need less, want less, or believe it would be in your best interest to have less -- but doesn't a cravin' imply an intense desire for more of somethin'? Anyway.) Now it's not there anymore, and it's probably not comin' back, since the Ocean Spray website doesn't mention it anywhere and it was, apparently, only test-marketed in a few locations to begin with. So long, CLS. Nice mockin' ya.

Now my mockage is all about the new line of Tropicana Twisters. Dig the incoherent run-on sentence in the first paragraph, and dig the hyperbolic use of the word "bold" to describe combinin' fruit flavors (grape and strawberry together? How fearless! How impudent!), but especially dig the bizarrely incongruous descriptors in the name of each beverage. I don't know about you, but when I'm thirstin' for 10% fruit juice, I want to experience fury. And a clash. And a riptide. And a strawberry kiwi CYCLONE, muthafucka. I want some howlin' winds of juice tearin' off the roof of my mouth and flingin' it across the lawn to decapitate my garden gnomes, yo. I want some balls-out fruit devastation.


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