Location: St. Vincent & Grenadines

You were driving home in the dark on one glass-slippered heel, window sliced open and bathing in the snowliquor of the night air. We heard you singing, and couldn't bear to wake you.

29 June 2005


Warning: this post involves genitalia. If that's not what you want to read about, stop reading now. Blogger does not, alas, have a preview element where you can read the first bit of a post and then click a link to read the rest. So if your eyes flick downward involuntarily, you may experience some unwanted references to the naughty bits of a woman. I regret any inconvenience or unpleasantness this may cause you.


So. For many years now, I've been searching for an aesthetically pleasing term with which to refer to the female sexual organs. The correct word is vagina, and big ol' props go out to Eve Ensler for bringing what the word represents out of the shame-closet and into mainstream cultural dialogue. Bob knows I love vaginas themselves -- they're totally cool multipurpose sex/birth/excretion widgets, so yay vaginas!

But the word . . . the word vagina itself leaves a lot to be desired. It's too close to angina, which is definitely not a good thing; there's also something whiny about it, with that long I screeching fingernail-on-chalkboardishly between that thuggish hard G and that finger-up-the-nose N. And with a neanderthal schwa on either side, yet! Pretty much the only good thing about the word is the V at the beginning.

We can do better. We must do better.

Unfortunately, the world of slang is overrun by emotional fuckwits who think that words like pussy, snatch, twat and cock socket are acceptable alternatives. And then there are the neopuritans who choose to employ euphemisms like hoo-ha, coochie, woo-woo, or muff. Is there no alternative to the clinical, the boorish, and the pathetic?

After much searching and many intimate conversations with bedfellows, the term I found most aesthetically pleasing was quim. Vulva was a contender for a while, until one bedfellow pointed out its similarity to a boxy European car. Quim is a lovely word, lyrical yet substantial, both spirited and dignified, and it remains my favorite euphemism when in an intimate setting. However, it's not quite obscure enough for use in polite company.

Therefore, may I suggest the following newly-minted coin: vicinity.

The initial V recalls what was good about vagina, while the rest of the word suggests the grandeur of divinity or infinity. It's also a less prissy synonym for area, as in "I have a worrisome blemish on my area." And of course its usage provides copious opportunities for fresh double entendres.




Anonymous kev said...

Not bad. But, uhhh, wasn't Quim a character in Speaker for the Dead?

12:03 AM  
Blogger Felix Helix said...

Yes. Apparently it's a not-entirely-unheard-of Argentinian/Portuguese name, from what I can see on Google. No connection that I'm aware of.

5:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes it does have a certain cachet, but vicinity is too vague. Certain situations call for more specifics. Also, it has too many syllables. But in non-hurried situations, I can see how vicinity is a good term. I have a girlfriend who calls it her cookie, another calls it her kitty, which I also prefer. Women have also been concerning themselves about this for a while... thanks for the addition to the vagina nomenclature!

2:47 PM  
Blogger Felix Helix said...

Well, "vicinity" was designed specifically for use in situations where specifics are undesirable. I don't know about "cookie" and "kitty" . . . the diminutive suffix somehow seems like an attempt to infantilize or cute-ify something that, imho, deserves a deeper level of respect. Then again, I don't have a cookie, so what the hell do I know?

Mmmm. Coooooookies.

6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As for cute-ifying... I believe I first heard of the term cookie being used that way in a 1970's blaxploitation flick (was it Cleopatra Jones?) where she says, "My cookie could kill you."
Cute? maybe. Fierce? absolutely

9:17 PM  
Anonymous Reverend H.L. Spork said...

I see my expertise is required. I am always happy to emerge from obscurity to contribute to the English language and, possibly, history itself.

1. Voulez vous. It's French, it has not one but two Vs, and sounds downright sexy.

2. Baby Gate. Cute, perverse, bizarre, and will confuse Republicans.

3. Pubic Sunrise.

4. Nirvana Salad.

5. Temple of Venus. Yeah, I know, it's been used before. But I like it.

6. Stretchy.

7. Heavenly Junction.

8. Wondersoft.

9. I've always liked "jelly roll" myself.

10. Delectarium.

11. va-va-va-voom!

12. Finally...The Palace.

I'm going to bed. Let me know if you need more.

11:06 PM  
Anonymous Frederika Blankenship said...

I don't know. I think you brushed aside "pussy" too quickly. I think it's fun to call it my pussy, and then also always refer to my cats as pussies. The following remarks are quite fun:

"My pussy needs attention." Mr. Kitty or...?
When the litter box is full, "I smell pussy!"
When company calls, "Have you pet my pussy?"

You get the idea. However, if I were to say,
"My vicinity needs attention," "I smell vicinity," or "Have you pet my vicinity?" it just doesn't have that same je ne sais qua, which is frenchinity for jag vet inte vad.

I'm going to pet my pussy.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Felix Helix said...

Frederika: for me, "pussy" has been ruined by its use as a synonym for "wimp", as in: "Don't be such a pussy." It also could be pronounced differently to mean "full of pus", which is not what I want to be thinking about ... um, ever. You're welcome for sharing. I guess "vicinity" has a rather narrow, yet pleasant, aperture within which to express its aromatic je ne sais quoi, as in: "Is there a cucumber in the vicinity?"

Anonymous: I definitely like the sound of "My cookie could kill you." What a way to go. I guess anything sounds fierce when accompanied by the threat of death, eh?

Rev: you're a sick, sick man. "Baby Gate" sounds like a political scandal, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. "Nirvana Salad" makes me think of Kurt Cobain giving head to Courtney Love, which is a bad thing. And #6 ... well, anyone brave enough to use #6 in the midst of seducing a ladyfriend wins the nickel-plated cojones of the year award. And believe me, you'll need that nickel plating.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Wesley said...

Sometimes when I'm hanging out with a persuasion, all I can think about is her vicinity.

Hmm, it kinda works.

How about "Vespa"? [Insert joke about two-stroke engine here]

4:44 PM  
Blogger Felix Helix said...

Scooter? I hardly even know her.

Maybe he went to get a sideways haircut
Maybe he went to get into her vicinity
Maybe he went to get a British flag
Maybe he went to see the Circle Jerks.

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Reverend H.L. Spork said...

Where, where, the hell *is* Bill?

13. Route OB

14. Baby Jessica's well

15. Sword swallower

16. Juicy Lucy

17. Miss Puss

18. Bermuda Triangle (an oldie but a goodie)

19. Annie Sprinkle (seems a fit honor)

20. Dewdrop Inn

21. Downy mound

22. Fun-ilingus

23. Smooch Central

24. Volvo

Ok, I've had enough. G'night.

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Caryn said...

Can it be that you've overlooked the multi-purpose flexibility of "cunt"?

Yeah, I know. People hate it. You'd have to have brass balls to even try feel out any woman's opinion of it. It's hard to overcome years of being told that it's a horrible evil word. And it's so hopelessly blunt that it's useless for wordplay. It's all wrong for you.

I must point out if the vagina is the only femal sexual organ/structure you have contact with, you and your partner are missing. out.

Off to other unsuspecting blogs to continue my pointless crusade for precision. Watch for my new book, titled "That Is Not A Hole, Damnit!"

1:04 PM  
Blogger Felix Helix said...

Multi-purpose? Flexibility? You would apply these adjectives to the word "cunt"? Ah, perhaps you're being ironical. Okay, then.

Yes, despite its etymology (way, way, way, WAY back in the day, "cunt" meant "queen"), these days it's got the same impact as "nigger" for a white man like me: blunt and mean, to be avoided. On another level, mad respect to any word that carries that much power, you feel me? Hell of a lot better than words that carry no power at all. Like "hoo-ha", for example.

As far as female sexual organ/structure interactions go, heck, the whole body is potentially one of those. Well, the outer body, anyway. Not so much the duodenum or the femur. Let's put it this way: I'll gladly manipulate any innie or outie that my partner makes available.

3:01 PM  

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