Hoo-ha!

Warning: this post involves genitalia. If that's not what you want to read about, stop reading now. Blogger does not, alas, have a preview element where you can read the first bit of a post and then click a link to read the rest. So if your eyes flick downward involuntarily, you may experience some unwanted references to the naughty bits of a woman. I regret any inconvenience or unpleasantness this may cause you.

Okay.

So. For many years now, I've been searching for an aesthetically pleasing term with which to refer to the female sexual organs. The correct word is vagina, and big ol' props go out to Eve Ensler for bringing what the word represents out of the shame-closet and into mainstream cultural dialogue. Bob knows I love vaginas themselves -- they're totally cool multipurpose sex/birth/excretion widgets, so yay vaginas!

But the word . . . the word vagina itself leaves a lot to be desired. It's too close to angina, which is definitely not a good thing; there's also something whiny about it, with that long I screeching fingernail-on-chalkboardishly between that thuggish hard G and that finger-up-the-nose N. And with a neanderthal schwa on either side, yet! Pretty much the only good thing about the word is the V at the beginning.

We can do better. We must do better.

Unfortunately, the world of slang is overrun by emotional fuckwits who think that words like pussy, snatch, twat and cock socket are acceptable alternatives. And then there are the neopuritans who choose to employ euphemisms like hoo-ha, coochie, woo-woo, or muff. Is there no alternative to the clinical, the boorish, and the pathetic?

After much searching and many intimate conversations with bedfellows, the term I found most aesthetically pleasing was quim. Vulva was a contender for a while, until one bedfellow pointed out its similarity to a boxy European car. Quim is a lovely word, lyrical yet substantial, both spirited and dignified, and it remains my favorite euphemism when in an intimate setting. However, it's not quite obscure enough for use in polite company.

Therefore, may I suggest the following newly-minted coin: vicinity.

The initial V recalls what was good about vagina, while the rest of the word suggests the grandeur of divinity or infinity. It's also a less prissy synonym for area, as in "I have a worrisome blemish on my area." And of course its usage provides copious opportunities for fresh double entendres.

Comments?

Allez-vous?