I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces.

Things I have learned about Rivers Cuomo, after purchasing and listening to the new Weezer album:

1. He would like to be a hero, but he's a zero.

2. He doesn't want to be a chump.

3. He is terrified of all things.

4. His poor brain is gonna pop.

5. He knows that he can be the meanest person in the world.

6. He may not be a perfect soul, but he can learn self-control.

7. I make things alright [sic] when he's feelin' blue.

8. He has many fears of rejection, and also many memories of pain.

9. He's not the toughest guy.

10. He is gonna kill when he needs a thrill.

Rivers. Rivers, Rivers, Rivers.